Foster the Podcast Episode 12: From Russia With Love

Comedian Lance Paullin breaks numerous laws on his date with an illegal Russian immigrant.

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Also visit the show page at fosterthepodcast.com

Foster the Podcast Episode 11: Why So Serious?

Comedian Andrew Berkovich tells Justin and Kristie about pulling the greatest prank of all time on his girlfriend that lands him in police custody.

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Also visit the show page at fosterthepodcast.com

Where the Drugs At?

The highlight of my day today was watching a crack head loose his mind in the middle of the street. I was parking my car off of Hollywood Blvd when I heard a commotion and people yelling. I looked up and a guy had grabbed this tweaker lady's backpack and dumped all the contents out on the street. He kept yelling "Where the drugs at? Where the drugs at? Bitch-ass-ho. Give me the drugs or I'm going to kill you." The greatest part was his unbelievable disregard for the fact that it was noon on a Saturday on quite possibly one of the busiest streets in America. People stopped what they were doing to watch. Even Darth Vader and Optimus Prime that were standing in front of Man's Chinese Theater turned around. At one point as he's kicking her belongings up the street he notices people starring at him to which he shouts "yeah, I'm looking for drugs, go ahead and call the police!" (They never came.)

After about ten minutes he drops the backpack and the girl, who is all of about 98 pounds, puts everything back in the bag and runs off. As she's leaving he's still shouting profanities, something about if he ever sees her again.. blah blah blah. The crowd starts to dissipate and he's trying to rally the people on his side by going "can you believe that bitch? I gave her 200 dollars for drugs and she didn't bring back nothing but an attitude."

Let this be a lesson for some of you young drug people out there. If someone gives you 200 dollars for drugs, you better bring back "more than just an attitude."

1-800 Priest

How come in horror movies the husband never believes the wife that the house is haunted until all hell has already broken loose? I honestly feel that if my family and I moved into a new house and my wife told me the walls were bleeding while I was at work, I'd be like, "Word? Well let's get the f#*k out of here then!" There would be no assuring her it was all in her head. There would be no waiting to see what the explanation was. It would be "Oh, the baby monitors are picking up demons chatting at 4am and our kid has been walking on the ceiling? Ok, pack your shit, we're getting a rental house." Don't call a priest. Call your realtor and ask for your deposit back.

"Stop Being A Chicken"

I have to be honest and say that I have absolutely no desire to eat anything from the guy on the street corner selling food from a cart. I don't care how hard my friends try to convince me that “it's amazing”or that “he makes the best chicken in town.” I'm the guy who doesn't like eating the trail mix out of the public bowl at a bar, what in the hell makes you think I want to eat poultry from a guy in a tent next to an adult book store? There is a guy in our neighborhood that literally drives around selling taco's out of his van. His VAN! How do I know he's not some pervert that preys on adults but instead of candy to lure me in he uses chorizo? Now obviously that's a stretch but as a child you get it drilled into your head not to talk to strangers and to inspect your candy thoroughly at Halloween, so now as an adult it's difficult to go against that and purchase cuisine out of a Chevy. The guy on my block that sells food on the corner has no health inspection sticker, no sink, no “employees must wash hands before returning to work" sign and still people line up to buy bags of chicken sandwiches out of his ice chest. Here's the thing, it's probably delicious but I'm such a nut that in my head he went out and found a street corner, bought a tent, assembled it, paid off the cops, found a chicken, killed it, cooked it, poisoned it, and has been waiting for me ever since. No thank you sir. I prefer to get food poisoning the old fashion way.. by eating Taco Bell at 3am.

Nothing To See Here

I'm at my apartment at around 2:15am when I hear a loud commotion coming from downstairs. I hear brakes slam and an engine running, and since the road behind my apartment dead ends, I know whatever is happening can't be good. I go to the window and see a car running in the middle of the street with it's passenger side door open. I look out and there is this incredibly drunk woman in stiletto's kicking the living shit out of a parked car. I'm guessing she jumped out of her boyfriends car unexpectedly because he's yelling at her to get back in at the same time trying to undo his seat belt. After a moment she stops kicking the vehicle and walks behind her boyfriends car to get something out of the trunk (which is already popped for some reason.) It's at this time he gets out of the driver side not knowing she is now behind the car. Turns out the guy is more drunk then she is because he stumbles out forgetting to put the car in park and it immediately starts rolling backwards. The girl is behind it in high heels, screaming, trying to push the car while he scrambles to jump back inside. She calls him an idiot, knocks his hat off his head, then goes back to kicking the car. It's at this moment the cops roll up behind them and about the point when I'm doubled over in tears laughing. She stops kicking the car, the cops talk to them for roughly about 5 seconds and then proceed to keep driving to the end of the street. The cops then get out of their cars with flash lights and start walking..THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION. The girl is still kicking and yelling something in Spanish and the boyfriend is literally dragging her back into the car. She's oblivious the cops are even there. The guy manages to get her into the car, picks his hat up off the street, and peels off, almost hitting two more cars. It's at this time I notice the cops aren't paying them any attention and are looking in gates and behind bushes for something else. I thought it was super cool of the cops to cut this couple a break and that's about the time reality kicked in. There is something very unsettling the moment you realize that whatever is now hiding on my street takes precedent over drunk driving, reckless endangerment and destruction of property. I'm sure I'm gonna sleep great tonight.

Goodnight and Good Truck

Another used condom spotted on my block today. That's a total of two. Back home I wouldn't walk barefoot because I was afraid of stepping on a rock or a piece of glass. Out here it's because I don't want my toes to get crabs..
Speaking of getting f#%ked, the insurance company from the guy who hit me finally decided my parked car wasn't at fault and got me a rental. It's a gigantic, gas guzzling S.U.V., and in environmentally conscious LA, I might as well have a bald eagle stuck in the grill. I pulled up next to a Prius and the driver gave me a dirty look. I wanted to roll down the window and go "I'm not an asshole, it's a rental!"
The car is nicer than my apartment.
The driver seat feels like a heated La-Z-Boy.. which is the dumbest thing to me. Nobody needs to be that comfortable behind the wheel of an automobile. My first car was a '78 Cougar that was about as comfortable as taking a road trip on Michael J Fox's back and yet I STILL had trouble staying awake on the highway. I'm going to hang one of those dream catchers from the rear view mirror so it can catch my bad dreams as I'm driving into a ditch.

"Breading is Sexy"

I saw a hot girl today with bleach blonde hair, fake eyelashes, and a prada purse. Typical "valley girl". However, she was wearing a t-shirt that said “Reading is Sexy”. I'm sorry but something tells me "Miss Gucci Stilettos" isn't looking for a husband inside a Barnes and Nobles. In fact I'm pretty sure the only time she finds reading sexy is when a man is reading her his bank statement.
The worst part was, the guy she was with looked so big and dumb that I don't think he was capable of even reading her t-shirt. The only reading it looked like he did was the “please rack weights after use" sign at the gym (and that's only if it contained clipart as a visual aid.) I just seriously doubt that after a long day of MMA training that he comes home and dives in to Hemingway. He looked like the type of dude who refused to watch "Reading Rainbow" as a kid because he thought "rainbows are for fags!"
I wish women really did find reading sexy, because it would make role playing in the bedroom way more interesting..
“What's my name? What's my name?”
"Call Me Ishmael!”

Dude looks (and sounds) like a lady

Another day in Hollywood. I was awoken to the sound of kids crying, a broken fire alarm going off, police sirens, and a rooster clucking. Now I have heard the best part of waking up was Foldger's, but I guess for now, these other things will have to do. I had gotten booked at a show tonight in Burbank by a woman who knows me but I had no idea who she was or how she had gotten my info. I showed up to the club and after a long (and very awkward) conversation I realize that this "woman" was a dude I used to work with in Dallas many years ago. "She" is now living in West Hollywood as a woman and performing stand up comedy. The show went great and felt so much like being back home again. Aside from a bunch of drag queens arguing, a women knitting the entire show, and a drunk lady arguing with the waitress, the show went off without a hitch. However, as a courtesy, I would have preferred a little heads up from my friend to let me know "he" is now a "she". In the future, if you're going to decide to change genders, don't just assume everyone from your past is going to recognize you and automatically know the story. A little fair warning would be cool. "Hey, you remember me? Haven't talked to you in awhile and hope you're doing well. Oh, by the way,  do you remember back in the day when I had a penis? Yeah, funny story..."
All in all it was a great night. New material killed, drank a shit ton, and got to perform with my friends. Ended the night by coming home and hearing hookers having sex in their cars on my street. Ugh, more used condoms to step in tomorrow..

Happy Valentine's Gay

On this day we recognize St. Valentine, a priest who was sentenced to a three part execution of beating, stoning, and decapitation for marrying Christian couples in Rome. Yes, at one point even Christian couples couldn't get married, so how about we go easy on this whole gay marriage thing? Happy Valentines Day. Love who you love..

Love and Other Thugs

I literally just stepped on a used condom getting out of the car on my street. Which is half disturbing and half puzzling considering I live in an all Hispanic neighborhood. The worst part was that I complained to my roommate about it and his very casual reply was "Yeah, sometimes hookers take their John's down our street for privacy." I really hope that is the case because if not, the only evidence to a sexual assault now has my foot print on it. The fact that I was angry about someone discarding a used condom in the middle of the street is somewhat amusing in retrospect. Obviously the type of person that's going to pick up a hooker then take her down a dark street and have sex with her could care less about getting a ticket for littering. I just figured since this was LA he'd be more conscious of the environment and recycle. Or at the very least go green and stop using plastic.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a pair of Nike's to incinerate.

Sinners and Saints

Here's something for your viewing pleasure. Take a look and see if you can recognize the dude in the chair. I was in makeup for 4 1/2 hours for this scene. The film Sinners and Saints starring Johnny Strong, Sean Patrick Flanery, Method Man, and Tom Berenger is out now on DVD and Redbox.

High Hopes

Met a guy tonight after my set who told me he was jealous of me for going out and "following my dream." He then proceeded to tell me that he hopes to one day fulfil his life long dream of moving to Colorado so he can start growing and selling marijuana. Here's to you buddy.. keep reaching for the stars.