Nothing To See Here

I'm at my apartment at around 2:15am when I hear a loud commotion coming from downstairs. I hear brakes slam and an engine running, and since the road behind my apartment dead ends, I know whatever is happening can't be good. I go to the window and see a car running in the middle of the street with it's passenger side door open. I look out and there is this incredibly drunk woman in stiletto's kicking the living shit out of a parked car. I'm guessing she jumped out of her boyfriends car unexpectedly because he's yelling at her to get back in at the same time trying to undo his seat belt. After a moment she stops kicking the vehicle and walks behind her boyfriends car to get something out of the trunk (which is already popped for some reason.) It's at this time he gets out of the driver side not knowing she is now behind the car. Turns out the guy is more drunk then she is because he stumbles out forgetting to put the car in park and it immediately starts rolling backwards. The girl is behind it in high heels, screaming, trying to push the car while he scrambles to jump back inside. She calls him an idiot, knocks his hat off his head, then goes back to kicking the car. It's at this moment the cops roll up behind them and about the point when I'm doubled over in tears laughing. She stops kicking the car, the cops talk to them for roughly about 5 seconds and then proceed to keep driving to the end of the street. The cops then get out of their cars with flash lights and start walking..THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION. The girl is still kicking and yelling something in Spanish and the boyfriend is literally dragging her back into the car. She's oblivious the cops are even there. The guy manages to get her into the car, picks his hat up off the street, and peels off, almost hitting two more cars. It's at this time I notice the cops aren't paying them any attention and are looking in gates and behind bushes for something else. I thought it was super cool of the cops to cut this couple a break and that's about the time reality kicked in. There is something very unsettling the moment you realize that whatever is now hiding on my street takes precedent over drunk driving, reckless endangerment and destruction of property. I'm sure I'm gonna sleep great tonight.

Goodnight and Good Truck

Another used condom spotted on my block today. That's a total of two. Back home I wouldn't walk barefoot because I was afraid of stepping on a rock or a piece of glass. Out here it's because I don't want my toes to get crabs..
Speaking of getting f#%ked, the insurance company from the guy who hit me finally decided my parked car wasn't at fault and got me a rental. It's a gigantic, gas guzzling S.U.V., and in environmentally conscious LA, I might as well have a bald eagle stuck in the grill. I pulled up next to a Prius and the driver gave me a dirty look. I wanted to roll down the window and go "I'm not an asshole, it's a rental!"
The car is nicer than my apartment.
The driver seat feels like a heated La-Z-Boy.. which is the dumbest thing to me. Nobody needs to be that comfortable behind the wheel of an automobile. My first car was a '78 Cougar that was about as comfortable as taking a road trip on Michael J Fox's back and yet I STILL had trouble staying awake on the highway. I'm going to hang one of those dream catchers from the rear view mirror so it can catch my bad dreams as I'm driving into a ditch.

Dude looks (and sounds) like a lady

Another day in Hollywood. I was awoken to the sound of kids crying, a broken fire alarm going off, police sirens, and a rooster clucking. Now I have heard the best part of waking up was Foldger's, but I guess for now, these other things will have to do. I had gotten booked at a show tonight in Burbank by a woman who knows me but I had no idea who she was or how she had gotten my info. I showed up to the club and after a long (and very awkward) conversation I realize that this "woman" was a dude I used to work with in Dallas many years ago. "She" is now living in West Hollywood as a woman and performing stand up comedy. The show went great and felt so much like being back home again. Aside from a bunch of drag queens arguing, a women knitting the entire show, and a drunk lady arguing with the waitress, the show went off without a hitch. However, as a courtesy, I would have preferred a little heads up from my friend to let me know "he" is now a "she". In the future, if you're going to decide to change genders, don't just assume everyone from your past is going to recognize you and automatically know the story. A little fair warning would be cool. "Hey, you remember me? Haven't talked to you in awhile and hope you're doing well. Oh, by the way,  do you remember back in the day when I had a penis? Yeah, funny story..."
All in all it was a great night. New material killed, drank a shit ton, and got to perform with my friends. Ended the night by coming home and hearing hookers having sex in their cars on my street. Ugh, more used condoms to step in tomorrow..

Love and Other Thugs

I literally just stepped on a used condom getting out of the car on my street. Which is half disturbing and half puzzling considering I live in an all Hispanic neighborhood. The worst part was that I complained to my roommate about it and his very casual reply was "Yeah, sometimes hookers take their John's down our street for privacy." I really hope that is the case because if not, the only evidence to a sexual assault now has my foot print on it. The fact that I was angry about someone discarding a used condom in the middle of the street is somewhat amusing in retrospect. Obviously the type of person that's going to pick up a hooker then take her down a dark street and have sex with her could care less about getting a ticket for littering. I just figured since this was LA he'd be more conscious of the environment and recycle. Or at the very least go green and stop using plastic.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a pair of Nike's to incinerate.