Goodnight and Good Truck

Another used condom spotted on my block today. That's a total of two. Back home I wouldn't walk barefoot because I was afraid of stepping on a rock or a piece of glass. Out here it's because I don't want my toes to get crabs..
Speaking of getting f#%ked, the insurance company from the guy who hit me finally decided my parked car wasn't at fault and got me a rental. It's a gigantic, gas guzzling S.U.V., and in environmentally conscious LA, I might as well have a bald eagle stuck in the grill. I pulled up next to a Prius and the driver gave me a dirty look. I wanted to roll down the window and go "I'm not an asshole, it's a rental!"
The car is nicer than my apartment.
The driver seat feels like a heated La-Z-Boy.. which is the dumbest thing to me. Nobody needs to be that comfortable behind the wheel of an automobile. My first car was a '78 Cougar that was about as comfortable as taking a road trip on Michael J Fox's back and yet I STILL had trouble staying awake on the highway. I'm going to hang one of those dream catchers from the rear view mirror so it can catch my bad dreams as I'm driving into a ditch.

Loathe thy Neighbor

My car was wrecked the other night. First brand new car I've ever had and someone slammed into me. He "claims" he swerved to hit a homeless person in the road and instead took out a couple of cars. Cool story. Now instead of being an idiot he makes himself out to be a hero among the homeless. The worst part about the situation is his insurance is giving me the run around saying they aren't going to pay for damages until they conclude that he was definitely at fault. Here's the thing... my car was parked! I wasn't anywhere close to it when he slammed into it. Imagine my surprise when I came out of the bar and saw my car. I remember saying to myself  "Well that's odd, I don't remember parking inside of a Pathfinder."
Nobody was driving any of the other wrecked cars at the time either. Now the insurance company wants to make sure that, without a doubt, none of the other parked cars were at fault. How long does it take to figure that out?
It's simple math really, 4 wrecked cars + only one person driving = His fault.
Case closed.
I'm not going to say what insurance company he has, but if this is their idea of being "good neighbors," I wouldn't let them borrow any sugar. They'd probably just end up pouring it into my gas tank anyway.

"Breading is Sexy"

I saw a hot girl today with bleach blonde hair, fake eyelashes, and a prada purse. Typical "valley girl". However, she was wearing a t-shirt that said “Reading is Sexy”. I'm sorry but something tells me "Miss Gucci Stilettos" isn't looking for a husband inside a Barnes and Nobles. In fact I'm pretty sure the only time she finds reading sexy is when a man is reading her his bank statement.
The worst part was, the guy she was with looked so big and dumb that I don't think he was capable of even reading her t-shirt. The only reading it looked like he did was the “please rack weights after use" sign at the gym (and that's only if it contained clipart as a visual aid.) I just seriously doubt that after a long day of MMA training that he comes home and dives in to Hemingway. He looked like the type of dude who refused to watch "Reading Rainbow" as a kid because he thought "rainbows are for fags!"
I wish women really did find reading sexy, because it would make role playing in the bedroom way more interesting..
“What's my name? What's my name?”
"Call Me Ishmael!”

Can Buy Me Love

At some point you would think these high level executives and politicians would eventually wise up and stop having sex with hookers. It seems like once a month some senator or some CEO has to retire because a scandal broke and they got caught paying for sex. The cops always find some master hooker appointment book with their names in it. These guys are smart enough to get a degree and make millions of dollars but too stupid to give a fake name when they check in to hooker headquarters. If you're that rich and that powerful and just insist on paying for sex, why not go down to the worst neighborhood you can find and hook up with one of those gems? Those girls don't even have shoes.. much less a day planner. I've never seen the hookers in my neighborhood ask a guy “So, how does your Wednesday at 2:00 o'clock look?"

Dude looks (and sounds) like a lady

Another day in Hollywood. I was awoken to the sound of kids crying, a broken fire alarm going off, police sirens, and a rooster clucking. Now I have heard the best part of waking up was Foldger's, but I guess for now, these other things will have to do. I had gotten booked at a show tonight in Burbank by a woman who knows me but I had no idea who she was or how she had gotten my info. I showed up to the club and after a long (and very awkward) conversation I realize that this "woman" was a dude I used to work with in Dallas many years ago. "She" is now living in West Hollywood as a woman and performing stand up comedy. The show went great and felt so much like being back home again. Aside from a bunch of drag queens arguing, a women knitting the entire show, and a drunk lady arguing with the waitress, the show went off without a hitch. However, as a courtesy, I would have preferred a little heads up from my friend to let me know "he" is now a "she". In the future, if you're going to decide to change genders, don't just assume everyone from your past is going to recognize you and automatically know the story. A little fair warning would be cool. "Hey, you remember me? Haven't talked to you in awhile and hope you're doing well. Oh, by the way,  do you remember back in the day when I had a penis? Yeah, funny story..."
All in all it was a great night. New material killed, drank a shit ton, and got to perform with my friends. Ended the night by coming home and hearing hookers having sex in their cars on my street. Ugh, more used condoms to step in tomorrow..

Happy Valentine's Gay

On this day we recognize St. Valentine, a priest who was sentenced to a three part execution of beating, stoning, and decapitation for marrying Christian couples in Rome. Yes, at one point even Christian couples couldn't get married, so how about we go easy on this whole gay marriage thing? Happy Valentines Day. Love who you love..

Love and Other Thugs

I literally just stepped on a used condom getting out of the car on my street. Which is half disturbing and half puzzling considering I live in an all Hispanic neighborhood. The worst part was that I complained to my roommate about it and his very casual reply was "Yeah, sometimes hookers take their John's down our street for privacy." I really hope that is the case because if not, the only evidence to a sexual assault now has my foot print on it. The fact that I was angry about someone discarding a used condom in the middle of the street is somewhat amusing in retrospect. Obviously the type of person that's going to pick up a hooker then take her down a dark street and have sex with her could care less about getting a ticket for littering. I just figured since this was LA he'd be more conscious of the environment and recycle. Or at the very least go green and stop using plastic.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a pair of Nike's to incinerate.

Breakfast at Tiffany's

I'm thinking it's time to bring back segregation.
I was having lunch the other day at a place that was (unknown to me) a "dog friendly" patio. This is for dog owners who like to enjoy a meal while their pets annoy other people for a change. Aside from being unsanitary, bringing a dog around tons and tons of people food is a little cruel if you ask me. It's the equivalent of taking your girlfriend to Tiffany's Jewelry and telling her not to touch anything. She'd be under the bracelet counter whining louder then a cocker spaniel for a piece of bacon.
The place was mayhem. Dogs jumping on tables, fighting with other dogs, drinking iced tea out of their owners' cups. I'm a huge dog lover, however, I'm still not 100 percent comfortable with people mixing animals and food; I don't want to eat lunch in a kennel. So I'm outside on the patio of this petting zoo when all of a sudden a dog shakes and a gust of wind blows dog hair directly into my mouth. It was on my face, my food, and floating in my coffee. Now at this point I'm helpless, it's not like I can scold the dog. In fact, I can't even complain to the waiter; "Excuse me sir, there is hair in my food!"
How would he respond? "Yeah, there is a lot of hair in your food but unfortunately for you we don't have a German Shepard on the grill."
As I'm picking follicles out of my eggs, another dog on a leash comes up under my table and just stares at me begging for food. At one point the owner looks at me from her table and goes "Aww.. looks like Bella made a new friend. It's ok, you can give him a bite, it won't hurt him."
"Oh can I? Thank you so much!"
How did I become responsible for feeding YOUR animal? How about when I'm done feeding him I can bathe him and take him for a walk also?
Then she says 'If you're going to feed him, make him do a trick first."
The only trick I'm interested in your dog doing is getting far away from me, but unfortunately "Bella" doesn't understand the "piss off" command.
It's just ridiculous how we treat animals like people and people like animals.
There are literally homeless people around the corner begging for food and you're sitting here feeding pancakes to an already overweight bulldog.
I'm not for equality. I say let's love our food and love our animals but not in the same place at the same time.

Sinners and Saints

Here's something for your viewing pleasure. Take a look and see if you can recognize the dude in the chair. I was in makeup for 4 1/2 hours for this scene. The film Sinners and Saints starring Johnny Strong, Sean Patrick Flanery, Method Man, and Tom Berenger is out now on DVD and Redbox.

Fresh Faces

The videos for the Fresh Faces contest are up.
Go to the link below and vote for me. You are able to vote once a day

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http://www.laughfactory.com/contests/FreshFaces/voting

Bummed Out

I was on my phone today and a homeless man came into my view. I politely walked past him and instead of asking me for money he asks "hey man, is that an I-phone 4s?"
And without hesitation I replied "Yes, yes it is."
Here's the problem.. It's not.
It's just a regular 4 but now here I am lying and pretending to have a higher status to the man living on a street corner.
Certainly I didn't want to appear to be poor to the man begging for change. What was I afraid of?
Bum: "Hey man, is that an I-phone 4S?
Me: "No, just the regular 4
Bum: "Pssh, looser.."

You wouldn't lie on your tax form to impress the IRS.

That's almost as pathetic as lying to a midget about your size.
Midget: "Hey man, how tall are you? 6ft?"
Me: "6.5 actually"

How old do I look?

Today I was sitting at a coffee shop in downtown Burbank by myself at a table for two. It's lunch time and it's jam packed.. And by lunch time I mean for the 99% it was lunch time however I am the 1%. I'm having French toast and coffee when I notice a semi attractive older woman standing behind me waiting for someone to get up so she can sit and eat. I felt bad so I offered her a seat at my table. She accepts, sits down, and starts to eat. Now I guess because I've invited her into my world she now feels like she must start a conversation the way one would on an airplane or a greyhound bus. It was pleasant at first but became annoying increasingly fast as I realized this ex-desperate housewife hasn't had someone of the opposite sex to talk with in a long time. On and on she goes about moving to California, her rise to head of sales of her company, and the time she met Topher Grace at a charity dinner. She tells me how she grew up in Phoenix, how her ex husband lost his toe to an ingrown toe nail, and how she has a daughter that just got accepted into NYU. And that's when she dropped it on me... the thing semi attractive older women do when they know they look decent for their age and want to be recognized for it.
Semi Attractive Older Woman: Can you BELIEVE I have a daughter in college?
Me: Yeah, that's crazy..
Semi Attractive Older Woman: Not bad for a 42 year old huh?
Me: Wow! You're 42?! I never would have guessed that..
Semi Attractive Older Woman: Really? How old do I look?
Me: If I had to guess I totally would have said 56!
Semi Attractive Older Woman: Thanks for letting me use your table. (gets up and leaves)

Un-aired Super Bowl Commercial

Selena Dion

The apartment next to me is currently blasting the Celine Dion theme to Titanic. I'm conflicted. On one hand it's annoying, on the other it's comforting because it's the first bit of English I've heard since moving in