Feeling very accomplished right about now. Had a great audition this afternoon and this evening I got to perform at the Comedy Store. A lot of history there and felt great to be on that stage. Also booked a handful of new shows including a week back in Texas in April.
The highlight of my day today was watching a crack head loose his mind in the middle of the street. I was parking my car off of Hollywood Blvd when I heard a commotion and people yelling. I looked up and a guy had grabbed this tweaker lady's backpack and dumped all the contents out on the street. He kept yelling "Where the drugs at? Where the drugs at? Bitch-ass-ho. Give me the drugs or I'm going to kill you." The greatest part was his unbelievable disregard for the fact that it was noon on a Saturday on quite possibly one of the busiest streets in America. People stopped what they were doing to watch. Even Darth Vader and Optimus Prime that were standing in front of Man's Chinese Theater turned around. At one point as he's kicking her belongings up the street he notices people starring at him to which he shouts "yeah, I'm looking for drugs, go ahead and call the police!" (They never came.)
After about ten minutes he drops the backpack and the girl, who is all of about 98 pounds, puts everything back in the bag and runs off. As she's leaving he's still shouting profanities, something about if he ever sees her again.. blah blah blah. The crowd starts to dissipate and he's trying to rally the people on his side by going "can you believe that bitch? I gave her 200 dollars for drugs and she didn't bring back nothing but an attitude."
Let this be a lesson for some of you young drug people out there. If someone gives you 200 dollars for drugs, you better bring back "more than just an attitude."
How come in horror movies the husband never believes the wife that the house is haunted until all hell has already broken loose? I honestly feel that if my family and I moved into a new house and my wife told me the walls were bleeding while I was at work, I'd be like, "Word? Well let's get the f#*k out of here then!" There would be no assuring her it was all in her head. There would be no waiting to see what the explanation was. It would be "Oh, the baby monitors are picking up demons chatting at 4am and our kid has been walking on the ceiling? Ok, pack your shit, we're getting a rental house." Don't call a priest. Call your realtor and ask for your deposit back.
I have to be honest and say that I have absolutely no desire to eat anything from the guy on the street corner selling food from a cart. I don't care how hard my friends try to convince me that “it's amazing”or that “he makes the best chicken in town.” I'm the guy who doesn't like eating the trail mix out of the public bowl at a bar, what in the hell makes you think I want to eat poultry from a guy in a tent next to an adult book store? There is a guy in our neighborhood that literally drives around selling taco's out of his van. His VAN! How do I know he's not some pervert that preys on adults but instead of candy to lure me in he uses chorizo? Now obviously that's a stretch but as a child you get it drilled into your head not to talk to strangers and to inspect your candy thoroughly at Halloween, so now as an adult it's difficult to go against that and purchase cuisine out of a Chevy. The guy on my block that sells food on the corner has no health inspection sticker, no sink, no “employees must wash hands before returning to work" sign and still people line up to buy bags of chicken sandwiches out of his ice chest. Here's the thing, it's probably delicious but I'm such a nut that in my head he went out and found a street corner, bought a tent, assembled it, paid off the cops, found a chicken, killed it, cooked it, poisoned it, and has been waiting for me ever since. No thank you sir. I prefer to get food poisoning the old fashion way.. by eating Taco Bell at 3am.
I'm at my apartment at around 2:15am when I hear a loud commotion coming from downstairs. I hear brakes slam and an engine running, and since the road behind my apartment dead ends, I know whatever is happening can't be good. I go to the window and see a car running in the middle of the street with it's passenger side door open. I look out and there is this incredibly drunk woman in stiletto's kicking the living shit out of a parked car. I'm guessing she jumped out of her boyfriends car unexpectedly because he's yelling at her to get back in at the same time trying to undo his seat belt. After a moment she stops kicking the vehicle and walks behind her boyfriends car to get something out of the trunk (which is already popped for some reason.) It's at this time he gets out of the driver side not knowing she is now behind the car. Turns out the guy is more drunk then she is because he stumbles out forgetting to put the car in park and it immediately starts rolling backwards. The girl is behind it in high heels, screaming, trying to push the car while he scrambles to jump back inside. She calls him an idiot, knocks his hat off his head, then goes back to kicking the car. It's at this moment the cops roll up behind them and about the point when I'm doubled over in tears laughing. She stops kicking the car, the cops talk to them for roughly about 5 seconds and then proceed to keep driving to the end of the street. The cops then get out of their cars with flash lights and start walking..THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION. The girl is still kicking and yelling something in Spanish and the boyfriend is literally dragging her back into the car. She's oblivious the cops are even there. The guy manages to get her into the car, picks his hat up off the street, and peels off, almost hitting two more cars. It's at this time I notice the cops aren't paying them any attention and are looking in gates and behind bushes for something else. I thought it was super cool of the cops to cut this couple a break and that's about the time reality kicked in. There is something very unsettling the moment you realize that whatever is now hiding on my street takes precedent over drunk driving, reckless endangerment and destruction of property. I'm sure I'm gonna sleep great tonight.
